If I Had Lived Another Life

Do you know what my most unpleasant realization is right now?

It is that fear was always with me; with every decision in my life.

But I was not aware of it.

These days I have to look at my fear early each morning. I wake up and my heart is racing, I feel like I am in the the middle of a big disaster like a never-ending war – and there is no exit. There is no help. I am alone with it.

There comes a point where you can never escape; you need to look at it. You need to look at your fear.

In the past years I have often been afraid of my depressive days – because they paralyzed me and I was in a dark grey tunnel. Now I am afraid of my phases of anxiety, which last forever. Does that never stop?

I’ve been watching a lot of movies recently where the heroes always stand alone, too. There were no families, no long-established social networks, only one or two close friends. In the course of the movies there were always quarrels and disagreements with those friends, and then the hero stood completely alone with a huge task in an enemy world – and there was no exit.

I feel exactly the same.

Nobody can help me when I am scared, because every contact or conversation is just a distraction.

Only if it’s really bad I write a good friend a short message. The words help me, they are like an anchor – they helps me sort out my emotional mess.

On good days, I think it’s a gift: to be aware of my fear of the big world out there, of my loneliness there. Our inner journey we all have to make alone, we often forget that.

For me, the gift is the awareness. As long as the fear slumbers in the subconscious, we are not able to make real free decisions for our life.

Fear is not a good advisor.

And just when I am writing this here I feel relieved – with a few drops of gratitude.

If I had lived another life, what would have been the alternative??

Okay, I will get up now, I will go into the kitchen, I will have a long breakfast with my children. We will have familiar conversations about movies and sports and technologies and life lessons. Meanwhile, the morning sun is shining and lighting up the whole kitchen and – maybe – I will find a little peace in my heart.

“If you can’t change your fate – change your attitude.”

China

„Good morning my dear,
When I wake up these mornings and have panic attacks again and again, it always feels like fear of death. Last year I could still name it: I was afraid of the bullying situation at work, I panicked to go into that situation. That passed when I had quit. After that it was the fear of our uncertain future. That also passed. Now I’ve had this „new“ fear for weeks.
— It helps me a lot when I write that to you.  —
Just now I had the image of a stored fear of death. My head knew about the situation when my father killed himself. That must have dragged on for weeks or even months. 
 — Months! Now that I’m writing that I notice it myself. —  
But I never FELT it! 
Maybe my body is catching up to that, and I feel the fear, the panic, the loss, the sadness… 
 THANK YOU FOR LISTENING TO ME!“

Being alone and taking good care of yourself also means: I write to a friend and get assistance.

I think it might be good for you, if you simply write me on such days. Write about what it is — what is so depressing for you. It’s something else if you know someone will read it. It’s like an inner conversation with someone and you don’t feel alone anymore.

 ❤ ❤

Blog Battle – Heart

Weekly Wisdom – Mantra


Featured Image: isorepublic.com

18 thoughts on “If I Had Lived Another Life

  1. Dear Ilka, I’m very sorry to read that you are struggling that much at the moment. You have described the state of being in fear very well. I’m sure this helps a lot of people. Wishing you a Merry Christmas!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks, Natalie! ❤
      That was one of my reasons for writing it down: maybe it'll someone else.

      Like

  2. Ilka, I hope you are ok. Sending you much love from Australia.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks, Aggie! ❤
      I'm a little better now. I think it was helpful and important to write it down. I'm not repressing it anymore.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Don’t worry Ilka. We all have fears, and I think that this is a good thing. Why? Because, I realized that bad things happen when you less expect them. When you fear, you are aware, and that chase them away – it is a kind of universal low… I don’t know how to exactly explain it. It came to my mind years ago after watching the video “What a blip…” I know, many said it was a kind of fake science, but for me it was very interesting.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Tatiana. I think so, too: the awareness of fear is the most important. That doesn’t feel good when we are in the middle of our fear. However, I’m going to make healthier decisions for my life with my new consciousness.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Actually, I need to do this myself… 🙂 I also read someplace ( I think it was in “Conversions with God” by Neale Donald Walsch, or maybe in some Louise L Hay’s writings), that when we fear and worry, we physically have to change the position of our head from looking down to looking up. This way you will see the sun, sky, nature and the entire universe that’s above, with infinite powers… and we are “part if it” with – they say “same powers”…

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes, I know these books, they are very helpful! ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  5. I thought you knew them, but just as a reminder… 😀

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Just another thought

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Another idea: you know that sometimes, thinking too much can be “unconstructive”… What if you try to occupy your mind with something that excites you and puts you to some other kind of challenge: taking photos maybe?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That`s always a good advice. For this piece I wanted do explain that is very important to feel all of our emotions – without thinking about them, only: feel. We mostly repress sad feelings and this behaviour lead us to sad decisions.
      That’s why the awareness of our sad feelings needs to come first.

      Like

  8. I’m more pragmatic, and I don’t understand why somebody wants to linger over bad feelings. Awareness of your fears is good, but torture yourself about feeling those bad things for too long, I think it’s not. Louise Hay suggests someplace the exercise of “forgiveness” which I thought it was VERY important. If we can visualize all those bad things in the past that bother our thoughts continuously, we have to go back and honestly forgive those persons that brought those feelings into our live. We can try to understand that at that time they had their own reasons (whatever they were) and say with loud voice I forgive you because I understand that you couldn’t do it other ways. Saying things or as you said writing them down has power. So forgive them one by one, and release all those feeling from your mind. Also please go to Bing and see the photo displayed on the screen today – that will give you the peace of mind and courage to let bad things down and feel the good things instead.
    Are those feeling coming back? Go back to the same exercise and give forgiveness 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Forgiveness isn’t the problem, I’ve been going a long road to my inner peace with my parents. I wanted only to describe that I never felt the fear about my loneliness as a very young child when I realized that I have to raise and to care for myself. My mother loved my father very much and after his death she was death inside. There were no feelings for her little girl; she often blamed me when she wasn’t feel well. So I remained alone with my fear of the great unknown world around me. I repressed this fear for surviving, but repressing isn’t dissolving. Our body stores such feelings and so they come back one day.
      The only way for healing is to allow these feelings and to feel them. Now my body does this work and my inner child feels the old pains, the sadness, the loneliness and the fears while my soul is in peace with this part of my life.

      Like

  9. Much gratitude for your post. I know I’m dealing with fears too. It’s a daily struggle. But with time we seem to conquer them. You’re not alone 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you! Knowing that helps me a lot.

      Liked by 1 person

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