Do you know what my most unpleasant realization is right now?
It is that fear was always with me; with every decision in my life.
But I was not aware of it.
These days I have to look at my fear early each morning. I wake up and my heart is racing, I feel like I am in the the middle of a big disaster like a never-ending war – and there is no exit. There is no help. I am alone with it.
There comes a point where you can never escape; you need to look at it. You need to look at your fear.
In the past years I have often been afraid of my depressive days – because they paralyzed me and I was in a dark grey tunnel. Now I am afraid of my phases of anxiety, which last forever. Does that never stop?
I’ve been watching a lot of movies recently where the heroes always stand alone, too. There were no families, no long-established social networks, only one or two close friends. In the course of the movies there were always quarrels and disagreements with those friends, and then the hero stood completely alone with a huge task in an enemy world – and there was no exit.
I feel exactly the same.
Nobody can help me when I am scared, because every contact or conversation is just a distraction.
Only if it’s really bad I write a good friend a short message. The words help me, they are like an anchor – they helps me sort out my emotional mess.
On good days, I think it’s a gift: to be aware of my fear of the big world out there, of my loneliness there. Our inner journey we all have to make alone, we often forget that.
For me, the gift is the awareness. As long as the fear slumbers in the subconscious, we are not able to make real free decisions for our life.
Fear is not a good advisor.
And just when I am writing this here I feel relieved – with a few drops of gratitude.
If I had lived another life, what would have been the alternative??
Okay, I will get up now, I will go into the kitchen, I will have a long breakfast with my children. We will have familiar conversations about movies and sports and technologies and life lessons. Meanwhile, the morning sun is shining and lighting up the whole kitchen and – maybe – I will find a little peace in my heart.
“If you can’t change your fate – change your attitude.”China
„Good morning my dear,
When I wake up these mornings and have panic attacks again and again, it always feels like fear of death. Last year I could still name it: I was afraid of the bullying situation at work, I panicked to go into that situation. That passed when I had quit. After that it was the fear of our uncertain future. That also passed. Now I’ve had this „new“ fear for weeks.
— It helps me a lot when I write that to you. —
Just now I had the image of a stored fear of death. My head knew about the situation when my father killed himself. That must have dragged on for weeks or even months.
— Months! Now that I’m writing that I notice it myself. —
But I never FELT it!
Maybe my body is catching up to that, and I feel the fear, the panic, the loss, the sadness…
THANK YOU FOR LISTENING TO ME!“
Being alone and taking good care of yourself also means: I write to a friend and get assistance.
I think it might be good for you, if you simply write me on such days. Write about what it is — what is so depressing for you. It’s something else if you know someone will read it. It’s like an inner conversation with someone and you don’t feel alone anymore.
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